Friday, June 23, 2006

Wow. Did you hear about the lady who drove her motorhome for the first time to a ball game and on the way home, she set the cruise to 70 mph, got up and went to the back to make herself a sandwich? True story. When she crashed and was injured, she sued Winnebago and won $1,750,000. Also true. There must be something I'm missing because a jury of her peers...wait, her it makes sense. Oh well, anyway, she cashed in on her stupidity, or did she? Was this her plan all along? Hmmm...a lawyer or attorney had to gain some of this...33% of 1.75 mil is approiximately $577,500. Well now it really makes sense. The owner's manual doesn't say you can't do that. In fact, Winnebago adjusted the text in their manuals due to this. Crazy world we live in.

I love this world we live in. It IS crazy but it is so interesting. You never sit around thinking nothing's going on or that you're so bored because there's nothing to do. We have iPods, laptops, cable TV, jets, cars, you name it. We can go anywhere at any time and do nearly anything, be it legal or illegal, moral or immoral, depending on which country you go to to do it. All you need is money...which I don't have a lot of, so I guess I don't know for sure that you can go anywhere at any time to do anything, but I think you can. I bet Jack Johnson can. He must have a ton of money. I know he's got whatever percentage he gets from me buying like three of his CDs which is more than I've got in my pocket right now. But I've got enough.

I love life. I used to always wonder what it would be like to be a grown up and I used to think that it would be freakin' sweet because noone could tell you what to do. It is. If you're a kid reading this, (I hope no kids read this, please!) you will love your adulthood...or you should anyways. Even if everyone tries to tell you that you shouldn't, I remember bein a kid and I am happy with how much fun I have. I play in my yard with my daughter and have friends over and grill...noone tells me to be careful because the grill's hot, noone tells me it's late and I gotta go to bed on a Friday night. I am happy. Over all.

If your life sucks, or if you think it does, take stock. Think about what you used to dream about when you were a kid. What did you think your perfect grow up life would be? Forget about your goals and expectations for yourself for the moment. Think about what it used to be like and see if it doesn't weigh out on the side of satisfied. If it doesn't, do something different because this is your life and it's only so long here on erth and in those last years, days or moments, you don't want to be regretting or worrying about what you did, didn't or should have done. Like I said before, you can buy the old cartoons you used to watch and watch them any time. You can travel anywhere your wallet will allow you. You are in charge and you can do what you want to do. So do it and live the life you've always dreamed. (yes that's totally stolen from Emerson)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Well apparently I have crossed the boundary of sarcasm and some people aren't quite seeing the humor in my last post perhaps due to its hiding in the dark darkness of dark and angry humor. I spend alot of time writing all the chipper and funny stuff I thought I'd just let some angry funny stuff go. Sorry if you're not in tune with it or you just don't get it. There will be another sunshine daydream post coming I assure you. It was just the end of the day and I was in the mood to let one go so I did. I apologize if I've shocked or offended anyone (and by apologize I mean shut up and deal with it) and I promise to write more positively motivated and eloquently constructed essays for most of the rest of the time I am writing here which should be forever so...don't get lost yet.
OK,OK,OK!!! Here is a post. And I am not quitting the blog “scene”, thank you very much…thank you for all the faith to those who seem to want me to quit or whatever, I’ll be here a while. For everyone else who has patiently or not so patiently waited, thank you, non-sarcastically.

I guess I have no real explanation for my absence and I hate excuses so I’ll just take it like a man and blame it on someone or something else like I have been busy with a lot of stuff…nope, that won’t work, well then, I guess I’ll do the next more manly thing and insult you by saying I just don’t care about you enough to write sometimes. At least that way you can pretend I’m being honest with you.

At any rate, I’m here now spending my precious time writing some spindly garbage for you to pretend you love and write and comment about etc, etc. Do I sound cynical? Hmmm…well, I get that way sometimes and there’s nothing you or anybody else can do about it. Years of therapy, drugs, alcohol, sappy family moments, etc have not changed me in the right direction so I know any muddy junk you’ve got to throw my may won’t even leave a mark.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not angry or getting all weird, I’m just particularly sarcastic today. It could be the weather…nope. It’s gorgeous outside, did you hear me? It’s probably less than 75 out and sun abounds over the puffy clouds. I just feel like being rude. Let me self examine for a second…

I think it is Spike that has gotten me so irritated today. I was watching Spike while my wife was out of town and you know, for supposedly being the “man channel”, they really have some sissy stuff on there. Ok so what’s up with wrestling? Smackdown, WWF, ATF, WTF, WHAT EVER!!! Wrestling’s not real except in high school and college and the Olympics. If it is then why (now that we can have professionals in the Olympics) don’t you see Big Bob whats his face or any other of those steroid pumped spandex speedo wearing fruit cakes out there winning gold medals for our country? Why? Well for one as I have already stated, they are steroid pumped, automatically dq-ing them. And for another…IT’S NOT REAL! Get a clue, it is SO stupid that I can’t even watch the commercials without getting irritated.

That brings me back to the whole thing I’m here for…Spike sucks. Sunday morning church? Spike? What? And Star Trek? PLEASE…don’t use the whole manly thing to advertise spike and then show Star Trek reruns. That’s just wrong. Save it for the G4 geek channel. And I know I’m gonna get some feedback here but I’ve never been a fan of the whole Three Stooges stuff. It’s like a cult thing where people watch it just because other people say it’s good. Whatever.
I don’t buy it.

So Spike does have it’s good stuff like CSI: Las Vegas, UFC and then the post church 4x4/motor/hotrod thing which is entertaining. Also they do grace us with some Bond occasionally and they do great things with TV but why the fat? Trim it off, I say. Yeah yeah, who am I to tell someone to trim off the fat…but I don’t get paid millions of dollars to be slim either, and I am trimming off some fat anyway, just ask my belt and my big pants I don’t wear anymore, so there.

So what have I been up to instead of writing you? Outside of watching way too much Spike I have been on a few good bike rides, put up a fence for the back yard, got a dog, lived without my wife and daughter for two weeks, had a barbeque and put a workshop in my basement. What’s not manly about that? Spike ought to have a show about me. It could take the place of those weak Star Trek reruns or the lamo Three Stooges shows. Save those for the stupid cartoon network which is worthless all hours that they aren’t showing [adult swim].

I could be a reality show. A really boring reality show where the guy complains about the network he’s on while making millions from it. If it got too boring there’s an old truck out behind our warehouse and I could weld something to it and smash some stuff up and jump it over some other stuff. That would be freakin cool. Get guys with manly trucks and have them do manly stuff like pull out a stump or haul something ridiculously heavy. You know, use the winch for something besides making your truck look tough.

I like the shows like the monster machines or whatever where they do ridiculous things like move trains or old brick three story buildings all in one piece. That’s manly.

Friday Robinson Cartage is hauling thirteen 140’ bridge beams to Detroit to improve our road and highway system. That’s manly too. They’re so long they gotta have a steering axle on the back to get around corners. Back in the day they used to hook one end of the beam to a truck and the other end to another truck and one of them would drive (or get pulled) backwards down the road and then they could steer around corners. Now we have hydraulic steering trailers that stretch indefinitely and have a wireless remote that a steerman operates from a vehicle driving behind the whole rig. Not quite as manly but still beats whatever any of you do in a day.

Alright I think this will do for now. So go on and comment, let’s hear it and get it over with. Nowhere in here do I mention how perfect I am or anything like that so don’t go on and attack me personally, just the writing. It balances out the sissy stuff I’ve planted here previously. After all, the entire world is all about balance. If you want to know more about that or disagree then please email and I will explain or if I get enough inquiries, I’ll just post an explanation…I shouldn’t have to spoon feed you though, most of you are twice as educated as me…